Skip to main content

WORST LOCAL BANDS EVER

Over on Facebook my dislike of certain Twin Cities bands of yore was brought up, so here's my list of the worst local bands I ever had the misfortune of listening to. There is bias in that I have to have actually heard them. Either they were hyped to high heaven by the local media, or they opened up for someone good. Perhaps there were others just as bad, but I was warned away before being exposed to them. In no particular order:


3AM Ralph: This sad excuse for a Top-40 cover band must've had some blackmail-worthy dirt on the booker at the 7th St. Entry, because they played there all the time. If you thought that a cover "I Just Want to Celebrate" couldn't sound any worse than the original, you would be wrong. At least they were aptly named.

Deformo: Want to listen to Jerry Lewis torturing a cat? Then this band's vocalist would be the one for you. Warning: he also records as King of France.

Cat's Laughing: When I was young, I had a less keen ability to avoid sub-Grateful-Dead jam bands than I do now. Has there ever been a good band made up of authors? They're always just a little bit unbalanced on the lyrics side of music-and-lyrics. Thanks to their friends in the literary community, a whole imaginary world was created where Cat's Laughing was massively popular. I go there in my nightmares sometimes.

Sh*t Fi: Another band that had to have blackmail material on someone to play as much as they did. Lovers of melody might think that a noise band couldn't be said to play well or badly, but Sh*t Fi proves them wrong. Using entries from their 8-grade diary as lyrics doesn't exactly help, either.

Pablo: Back in the day I used to go to this midnight open mike to see what weird stuff would turn up. Pablo would be usually be there to mar the experience for me. Acoustic-guitar-slinging singer-songwriters are bad enough, but Pablo did not seem to grasp the basic concept that the words had to match with the music somehow. He kept squeezing in more of his brilliant lyrical gems than could actually fit into the song, as if he just couldn't bear to cut any of them out (see below for the same syndrome). I vaguely remember some interminable song about two couples named John & John and Kate & Kate (or something like that) and their many, many adventures. Sort of like a song for small children, except kids' musicians know you actually have to write catchy tunes to keep your audience interested.

The Hold Steady: I won't bore you with this again, but I just wanted to quote the lyrics that Sasha Frere-Jones used to demonstrate their heart-stopping genius:

"We spent the night last night in Beverly Hills. There was this chick that looked like Beverly Sills. We got killed."

Omigod, someone tell Kay Ryan to give it up. There's a new poet laureate in town!


Comments

ctrl-s said…
I saw most of those, and they scarred me, but not Cats Laughing. Wow, do they sound vile.

What is your opinion of Neil Gaiman? I keep reading about him but I've never read anything of his. I don't think I would like it.

Popular posts from this blog

STILL HATING ON MONTHLY SUBSCRIPTIONS

Jason had an insightful post on newspapers in the Internet Age on his blog wherein he suggested we donate to keep the watchdogs of the press going. In an aside, he mentioned subscriptions for music: To be honest, it's the same thing with music downloads. I've been screaming for monthly subscriptions for years now, and they're still not here. (At least not on the scale of an iTunes or Amazon.) Of course, I had to respond. Jason: I'm sorry to hear you've been screaming for years--you must be very hoarse. I believe the service you're looking for is called Rhapsody . I don't know what counts as "the same scale", but they have ads on TV. I don't know why anyone would pay $12.99/month to rent music, though. I want to own my music, I don't want some company to be able to take my access away or jack up the price at a whim. Rhapsody's main market must be people who don't own much music, have a lot of electronic devices but no interest

THINGS I PAY FOR ONLINE

This I ripped off from library guru Walt Crawford , who got it from SF author and uber-blogger John Scalzi . From whom I learned that AOL still exists and that there is a paid version of LiveJournal. Who knew? And why Rhapsody? Who are these people who are willing to pay every month to rent music that could be taken away from them at any time? Those who don't want the option of making a mix CD or tape do not love music in any way I can understand. I was glad that some of Scalzi's commentors mentioned library subscriptions. Don't pay for any online encyclopedias or magazine articles if you can get them free with your library card, people! The f ree Encyclopedia Britannica subscription for bloggers is also awesome. 1. IpHouse for Internet with Qwest DSL. I could save by bundling with Qwest and get msn.com email (ugh!), but IpHouse has given me such great support over the years and I can always get someone on the phone right away. 2. Netflix (4 movies-at-a-time grandfat
I, FOR ONE, WELCOME OUR NEW PORCINE OVERLORDS . . . I read an article in the New Yorker (1) last year about the growing threat of feral hogs. Apparently they have become a major nuisance in most of the US, destroying native habitat and species, even uprooting irrigation pipes. Plus, they are so wily and tough that only an expert hunter with at least 4 dogs can defeat one. Now, I learn that wild hogs may have caused the most recent outbreak of e. coli . It's clear what's going on -- the pigs are trying to kill us! Trichinosis just wasn't doing the job. With all the bacon I've eaten, I'll be the first up against the wall after the piggy revolution (here is where my sweetie Dr. Somneblex thoughtfully points out that he's given up pork). Coincidentally, I was just reading Oryx and Crake , which features the protagonist being attacked by genetically-altered super-pigs. Clearly, a pig-related horror movie is going to go into production any minute now. A good ti