Sunday, August 31, 2008

MORE SIGNS YOU ARE IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC MOVIE




Here are some more signs you are in a post-apocalyptic movie from the gang at Name That Film:

11. Someone always has an eye-patch. [1]
12. The use of seatbelts is decidedly not in fashion. [2]
13. The sky is a strange colour , usually red. [3]
14. Mode of transport if not # 4 is either futuristic or horse and cart. [3]
15 We only see what happens in America or America is the default saviour of the world. [3]
16. There just happens to be one person who knows how to save mankind. [3]
17. It helps if you ride on top of the bus or just stand up in a convertible. [4]
18. Also, somehow the place to be is the Junkyard/Quarry. [4]
19. Your grooming hasn't suffered as much as one would expect. [5]
20. You feel an uncontrollable urge to beat Kevin Costner to a lifeless pulp. [6]
21. Canned goods have a shelf life of 25 years. [6]
22. Everyone has surprisingly good teeth. [6]
23. Why are we in a desert??? [6]
24. You find an ancient cave drawing, incription in a leather bound tome, a carved figure in a deserted ruin, or even a 100 year old dust covered portrait that suspiciously happen to look exactly like you. (this may also apply to time travel movies) (or you may be a vampire). [7]
25. You have a chainsaw for a hand. [7]
26. Giant scorpions and man eating cockroaches abound. [7]
27. A little robot boxes up all the trash and stores them in giant edifices. [8]
28. 8 Skeins of Danger: sends you a note: "Hi, I'm an admin for a group called APES SHALL RULE US ALL" . [6]
29. You live in a castle with a dragon alarm and fire sprinklers rated at 4000 degrees Centigrade. [7]
30. Cannibals... doooooon't forget the cannibals. [9]
31. Dennis Hopper has set up some kind of evil fool's paradise that will be overrrun and/or blown up in the end. [9]
32. A prominant American landmark is sticking out of the sand when you go to the beach. [9]
33. Somewhere, underground the mutant descendents of 20th century earth are worshipping the last functioning "doomsday device." [9]
34. You hear Don LaFontaine. You don't see him...just hear him. [5]
35. Being unable to voice actual words is not necessarily an obstacle to social climbing. [2]
36. The veil of the temple will be rent in twain before we see the sign of the manifest flying beast head in the sky. [6]
37. Fingerless gloves are fashionable. Villains, their goons and other assorted hoodlums favour studded leather, Downtrodden proletariat hobo scum wear woollen or cloth. The chief villain is likely to only wear one. [13]
37b. . . .unless you live within the hermetically sealed bubble city, in which case you probably wear a diaphanous toga and a chrome headband. [7]
38. Any time machine you may encounter will only transport you to Los Angeles in the year the film was made no matter how hard you try to get it to go somewhere more interesting. [13]
39. You live in a cage underground and are repeatedly subjected to medical and/or time travel experiments. [9]
40. Michael Caine sits down with you and advances the plot through expository dialogue (true of any film these days, actually) [9]
41. The Humans Are Dead. (Affirmative. I poked one. It was dead). [9]
42. Whenever someone dies, their body is put through the Juicinator and cold filtered to reclaim their precious waters. [7]
43. You get upset when pig crap tops $100 a barrel. [7]
44. There is a guy with some major physical deformities, living in a hidden location, that you can take any mechanical junk to, and he will tell you what it was before the apocalypse. Use his talents wisely as he will be killed shortly after you meet him. [10]
45. You can hear my inner monologue. [5]
46. I notice very important things off in the distance. So very far away.... [5]
47. Two words - Toaster Ovens. [4]
48. Your computer operating system is DOS with graphics by ATARI. [7]
49. Effete, transhuman immortals enslave humanity, but become consumed with ennui and yearn for death. [11]
50. Sean Connery appears in a red diaper and shoots them. [11]
51. Some gofer with weird hair always serves the main villain. [12]
52. Everyone is a cannibal, except for you, your son, and the grizzled old man whom you meet on the road to exchange pithy comments with. [9]
53. You've been captured by a primative tribe of pre-teens who poke at you with sharp sticks and spend a lot time on their headscarves and facepaint. [9]
54. The sudden discovery of a single small plant sprouting from the wasteland announces to everyone that everything's going to be all right again. [9]
55. You stumble onto an abandoned military base and discover a stash of miraculously still-functioning harrier jets that you teach yourself to fly in a week. [9]
56. Two words: "Thunder Dome." [9]
57. Sean is watching your movie. [2]


[1]. R. Cranium [2]. Sean's Jawns [3]. Hytam2 [4]. Onibabah [5]. Sidewalk Story[6]. Pere Ubu [7]. Phrank the Creatch [8]. Oh! NoNo Joe! [9]. Bswise [10]. Skipper Bartlett [11]. Mr Bali Hai [12]. Herbynow [13]. The Junk Monkey






----------------
Now playing: Groove Radio
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU ARE IN A POST-APOCALYPTIC MOVIE



1. If you are a male, you have a mullet, yet no one is laughing at you.
2. Suddenly all sports and games of chance are "to the death": boxing, basketball, drinking games, motorcycle races, Old Maid.
3. You are surrounded by people with mohawks, face paint and/or tattoos, leather jackets, studded bracelets, and dominatrix outfits, but you aren't at an Exploited concert or 2-for-1 night at the Iron Eagle leather bar.
4. You have a sudden desire to pimp your car/motorcycle/bicycle with one or more of the following items: armor plating, barred windows, guns, spinning rotary blades of death.
5. No one has last names anymore, and badass-sounding one-syllable first names are preferred. Anyone who would introduce themselves as "I'm Clarence Higgenbottom III" has already met an untimely end.
6. Mutants!*
7. If there is a rumored "paradise" or "promised land", you won't find it. It will turn out to be a) a trap b)just as bad as everywhere else, or c)the movie will end before you get there.
8. Guns may be around, but people prefer more unique and stylish weapons such as flamethrowers, arrows, killer boomerangs, whips, and the ever-popular crossbow-on-a-gauntlet.
9. There's a megalomaniac around with a crazy plan to fix society by such means as: rejecting all technology, reviving the exact technology that caused the apocalypse in the first place, breeding with the last fertile women, killing all the fertile women, or simply forming a Nazi biker gang. These plans never end well.
10. Seeing your loved one(s) murdered before your eyes made you a bitter loner thirsting for revenge, but it's not the Old West or ancient China (there may be kung fu and/or horses, however).

*Or people who just look like mutants.


PS. Thanks to Dr S. for his help.
----------------
Now playing: angela - kirei na yozora
via FoxyTunes

Thursday, August 21, 2008

I CAN'T STOP MAKING READ POSTERS



The Shifted Librarian made this awesome READ poster generator, so now you don't need my sweetie's mad Photoshop skillz (or my OK ones) to make your own. Give it a try and add it to the Flickr READ poster pool.



I made another one from a photo on the Chunklet blog of some garage rockers reading the Rock Bible. Pre-order yours today for some Jfro words of wisdom.



----------------
Now playing: Groove Radio
via FoxyTunes

Wednesday, August 06, 2008

WHEREIN JFRO LEARNS A NEW WORD . . .

While perusing the Achewood discussion boards, which actually contain witty and smart people and very few trolls (although some of the avatars are the animated-GIF equivalent of fingernails on a blackboard), I came across the term "weeaboo", which apparently someone who is unhealthily addicted to anime and manga. Meanwhile, at nearly the very same time, The New York Times was featuring some of the trolls that mock anime fans as weeaboos (also cause epileptic fits, issue death threats, etc.) on the very board in which the term was spawned.

Of course, living in a fantastical, anime world all the time is not healthy, just like living in a video game, fantasy baseball league, science-fictional TV series, or (my favorite) the world where 15th-century Europe was a land of fairies, wizards and non-stop orgies even for people who forget to bathe, all the time is not so good. But then, in the very act of trolling, their critics indicate they have no life as well, or why would they care so much? Wheels within wheels! Nobody ever says, "Sorry honey, I can't make love to you on a pile of money right now, I have to tell the guy on the anime photo-sharing site he has no life." Hating someone for having execrable taste is more acceptable than hating them for something like race or sex which they have no control over, but it tends to bounce back on the perpetrator. Who has such perfect taste that they can't be made fun of for what they like?

I also don't like the implication that one should only like entertainment that issues from one's own race and/or nationality. To me, that brings up the image of a Neo-Nazi realizing that all American music has either African-American or Jewish connections, and retreating to his bunker to listen to Wagner all day. Fun!

I don't understand people who only like one type of entertainment in this world where global options are easily available, but it doesn't bother me. I haven't met any Japanese-only entertainment chauvinists yet, though, probably because I'm too old and that kind of extremism is mostly for the young.